Parenting from the Inside Out : Recognizing One’s Triggers

Attachment, Attunement & Parenting from the Inside Out

December is a very exciting month often known as “the most wonderful time of the year” but with all the excitement and events, it can also be the most stressful time of the year.  Parents’ stress and personal triggers directly affect their relationship with their children.  Last week I wrote about, Dr. Daniel Siegel and how to build resiliency in our children through our relationship with them.  Daniel Siegel has written many books; he recommends reading Parenting from the Inside Out, first. Why?  Because our childhood experiences shape the way we parent.  Our interpersonal relationships with our children directly affect the development of their brains. In order for us to give them the best chance possible of growing up as confident, resilient, emotionally-balanced, thriving human beings, we need to gain a deeper understanding of our own life-stories.

Daniel Siegel, discusses in depth, the very important topic of attachment.  Moreover, he includes information on the latest brain research and how our parenting style directly impacts our child’s brain development.

Look at these attachment categories and see where you and your child fit, keeping in mind that you may have some elements of several categories (p.125 D. Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out):

A: Adult: Secure (free or autonomous)  Child: Securely Attached

B: Adult: Dismissing/emotionally unavailable  Child: Avoidantly Attached

C: Adult:   Preoccupied/entangled/anxious/uncertain/inconsistent/intrusive
Child: Ambivalently Attached

D: Adult:  Unresolved trauma or loss/disorganized/rage/dysregulation
Child: Disorganizedly Attached

Attachment involves attuning to your child. Being emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, ambivalent or enraged with your child occasionally will not permanently damage your attachment relationship, as long as the majority of the time you provide a secure, stable interpersonal relationship.  This is difficult to do and Parenting from the Inside Out  guides you through the process.  In addition, you may recognize that you’re not able to control your emotions, and should therefore seek some professional help from a counsellor, psychologist and/or doctor.  This can be a life-changing and freeing experience to take the necessary steps to change one’s patterning.

What is Shame?

To be shamed is to feel unworthy, disgraced, and condemned.  The feelings of shame are very harmful and many adults continue to carry feelings of shame from their childhoods.  When children feel shame, they feel defective and their eyes turn away. Parenting from the Inside-Out helps one identify why one’s buttons get pushed and how to gain control over these reactions. When we understand how our brain works, we can then change our brain.  Peace begins at home.  In raising children, there are many experiences that trigger one’s own failures and hurts from childhood.  This brings up old wounds and the hurt felt inside can suddenly be lashed out towards the vulnerable child. Raising children is a huge responsibility which means looking inwards and recognizing triggers, in order that one has a plan if the hot buttons do get pushed.

#1 rule:  If shaming words are erupting, stop talking, walk away and give yourself  time to breathe and calm down.  Then, it is essential to repair and reconnect.

Admitting our vulnerabilities as parents, is the Shadow side of parenting – the part that we don’t want to acknowledge or talk about.  However, it is not about judgement, it is about growing along-side our children and giving them the best that we have to offer.  The more we become aware of ourselves and our emotions, the happier and more secure parents we can be.

Over the holidays, give your child the gift of “Attunement”, 

I hope you can plan ahead and find a way for the holidays to be fun, connected and as stress-free as possible,

Warmly,

Sharon

P.S.  Not yet a subscriber to Mama Compass?  It’s free and easy – just click on the subscribe button and enter your confidential e-mail.  Then look out for a confirmation e-mail from Feedburner which may accidentally end up in your spam e-mail.  You will then receive weekly articles, direct to your in-box, guiding parents in the areas of the 4Ps:  Parenting, Psychology, Personal Growth and Play.